The following grew out of a phenomenally silly conversation at the Bolthole during which I was enduring the regular gentle ribbing about being A Girl [tm], and if there had been a female primarch who’d adopted a legion, what and who would they have been?
None of this is serious. You may get that.
So I present to you the leaflet that is handed out to all new Aspirants.
So you have found yourself here, amidst your battle brothers of the revered (but not terribly well known) Spider Catchers Chapter. You lucky thing, you! Leave your cares and worries at the door, there’s enough angst in here already.
We understand that the period of orientation directly following the months of alterations to your bodies (a nip here, a tuck there – for more details on your new internal organs, please turn to Appendix A: “What the Hell Is Going On With My Metabolism?”) and as such, have put together this simple guide in an effort to help you better familiarise yourself with your new life.
We’ve laid down some basics for you so that you don’t look like a complete idiot when you find yourself faced with the simplest of situations.
The Primarch of your Chapter is Pyroriffic, the only (known) female offspring of the Emperor of Mankind, that sweet-tempered chap who does such a marvellous job of keeping us all at the top of the galactic food chain. (A handy hint: should you ever find yourself in his presence, he’s partial to a drop of Advocaat, and just LOVES Turkish Delight). Pyroriffic is a most benign primarch who runs her legion with a fist of iron (but not like Ferrus Manus, that would just be HORRID) wrapped in a velvet glove. Her strategies are known to confuse the enemy so much that they cry for days after an attack. She is, of course, also able to wrap every single one of her big brothers around her little finger. That’s the magic of being a little sister.
Unfortunately, as the Emperor swiftly realised, you cannot possibly improve upon perfection, so none of the legion are direct descendants of their Primarch. They are picked and chosen from the cream of society and all bear a startling resemblance to a well-known entertainer of a long-ago time, a Mr. Jonny Depp.
The Spider Catchers chapter insignia, along with the Chapter motto ‘ego sum teres’ (lit: ‘I am fine’) is shown here.
When you have completed reading through this guide, please present yourself to Room 21, whereupon this motto will be las-tattooed across your chest. You know, right on the sternum where it’s just a tad painful. But you’re Real Men now. You can take it. Consider it an opportunity to expend some of that excess testosterone!
Unlike the other chapters, the Spider Catchers does not follow its own Codex. After much squabbling with her most boring brother, (who, should you ever get the opportunity, just hates being called ‘Robbie’) Primarch Pyroriffic grudgingly agreed to abide by the Codex Astartes, but with her own additions developed with particular reference to her acknowledged Differences Because She’s A Girl.
These rules must be learned and absorbed. Failure to observe could result in serious disciplinary procedures (for more details, see Appendix B: “Your Horrible Death: How to Best Prepare For It”)
1) Any Adeptus Astartes granted existence as part of the Spider Catchers chapter is expressly forbidden to be caught having left the toilet seat up.
2) Putting the milk back in the fridge with not enough to cover a solitary tea leaf is considered a crime against the Emperor. Heretics will be sharply admonished. Or killed, possibly. This will be after they have gone for more milk.
3) When the Primarch says ‘I’m fine’, in response to the question “Are you alright?”, don’t push the point unless you have no wish for your head to remain in close contact with the rest of your body.
4) Anybody caught discussing ‘X-Factor’, ‘I’m a Celebrity’ or other shows of that ilk will be publicly humiliated on the grounds that they should really know better.
5) Primarch Pyroriffic is not as other women. She has no interest in shoes or handbags with stupid dogs hanging off the strap. She does, however, have a keen interest in chocolate-related developments. Particularly those of a chocolate and orange genetic splice.
6) The Primarch does not take kindly to meetings that overrun by more than ten minutes. Please keep to the agenda and don’t pontificate, procrastinate or do other things that end in ‘ate’ during meetings. (Note: this rule may have been put in for Fulgrim’s benefit, the jury is out on that one). If Robbie suggests ‘pre-meetings’ to discuss what you are going to discuss at the meeting, please feel free to laugh in his face.
7) The chapter’s main transport is the ship ‘Cantankerous’. It’s a bit old and rusty, but please treat it with respect. Hang your power armour up somewhere other than on the floor.
There’s oh-so-many more rules and guidelines, dear Aspirant, but we don’t want to scare you. So for now, relax and absorb Appendices C through to AAZ by tomorrow morning.
There will be a test!