I Can Do Science, Me

In my endless efforts to procrastinate wildly whilst WoW is downloading its Ultra Mega Uber Patch of doom, I step back from Gildar Rift to bring you two scientific observation-based theories that will change the world.

1) The Coin Toss Paradigm

Ever find yourself in the quandry of having two options and not being able to decide between them? Then toss a coin. Or flip a coin if that’s the terminology you prefer. Whatever, man. Throw the coin up in the air whilst simultaneously juggling six live ferrets and riding a unicycle. Just send the chunk of fiscal representation in a generally upwards direction so that it comes down, landing on either Heads or Tails.

Anyway. Let’s hypothesise, because hypothesise is a nice word.


Bob, who is a well-adjusted nice sort of chap with a girlfriend, a cat and a credit card defecit the size of Jupiter (you know, normal) is reading through the local newspaper. Or he may be surfing t’interwebs, he’s quite IT-savvy. He’s not keen on e-readers, although if he could afford it, he’d love an iPad if only to make the obligatory ‘it sounds like a futuristic sanitary product’ quip.

I digress.

He sees that the local cinema is showing two films he really fancies seeing. In screen one is ‘The Hills Have Grass“, an indy-flick about a group of in-bred cannibals who capture tourists and force them to smoke marijuana. In screen two is M. Knight Shayhumananananananananam’s summer blockbuster ‘Loud Explosions and Poor Storyline… 6!” It probably stars someone like Keanu Reeves, or Shia LaBouef, or someone else with an equally funky name. Either way, Bob wants to see both of these films but knows he can only manage to pay for tickets to see one. (For those of you who haven’t been to the cinema in recent years, to take two adults and a child to the cinema these days costs in the region of £20 before you even hit the Pick ‘n’ Mix. And that’s weighted down with lead inside, I suspect, too).

He has to make a choice.

Bob is smart, though, and he is aware of the Coin Toss Paradigm. He knows that flipping a coin is the definitive method of making the choice. This is because he understands the following concept. There are three possible outcomes from flipping a coin. He assigns heads to ‘The Hills Have Grass’ and tails to ‘Loud Explosions and Poor Storyline… 6!’ He begins the process confident in the knowledge that in several seconds, all the agony of making a decision will be taken from him. There are, as stated, three outcomes – but only two effects.

1) The coin lands as ‘heads’. Bob goes ‘fantastic! Pot-smoking hillbillies here I come!’ This is because he actually wanted to see this film, but the garishness of the other film temporarily blinded him. This is CTP Effect #1 – admitting you knew what you wanted in the first place.

2) The coin lands as ‘tails’. Bob goes ‘fantastic! Pointless storyline and bad acting here I come!’ This is the same effect as Outcome 1. Admitting you knew what you wanted in the first place.

3) On the landing of the coin, regardless of whether it’s heads or tails, if either of the above do not apply and you go ‘I’ll flip it again. Best to do two out of three’, it’s CTP Effect # 2 – stop kidding yourself and go with the other one. So, if Bob threw up a ‘heads’ and tossed the coin again, it’s because he wanted to see the explosions. And vice versa.

So, when faced with choices for two things, toss a coin.

For anything that involves more than two choices… get a passer by to decide for you. Why not? Live dangerously.

2) Cawkwell’s Inverse Law of  Handbag Physics

Short and simple this one.

The smaller a woman’s handbag, the greater the quantity of unnecessary stuff she can cram into it.

I mean, all handbags have core staples: a lipstick with the lid lost ages ago, several receipts from Tesco, three ballpoint pens (one of which won’t work) and some unidentified sticky mass that may once have been a boiled sweet but is now possibly contemplating taking over the multiverse.

But seriously. In true Mary Poppins style, I have seen handbags the size of fecking credit cards disgorge entire houseloads of stuff.


I can do science, me.

Right. Work.


4 thoughts on “I Can Do Science, Me

  1. you really are bored aren’t you love?



  2. zAngle says:

    ‘Loud Explosions and Poor Storyline… 6!’ Sounds like my kind of movie. I also agree with the inverse law of handbag physics lol

  3. Phillip says:

    Very LOL-worthy! 🙂

    Have a Retweet on me.

  4. Mossy says:

    Only one of your ballpoint pens doesn’t work?

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