Car-tastrophes

See what I did there?

Anyway, whatever. You’re getting two blog posts in one night.

So, I started a Facebook discussion on Silly Things You Have Done. This has brought about some master strokes from the people on my flist, even if some of them are a little alarming. During the course of the discussion, I mentioned that I got my car precariously wedged on a hay bale. During the rush hour. This happened some years ago now (about nine years, in fact!), but I thought I would dredge up my original recording of the events on that day. It was originally called ‘Recipe for Disaster’, for reasons that are shortly going to become apparent, but for some reason, ‘car-tastrophe’ made me giggle. Probably too much.

So. Let me go dig it out. In the meantime, here is some hold music.

Back? Good. Right. This ridiculous event occurred on 26th March 2003…

Recipe for Disaster
(being an account of what happened to me on my way home tonight!)

Ingredients

  • Renault Megane
  • A dual carriageway
  • Screaming hoardes of rush-hour traffic
  • Small, 3 year old child
  • A rather tasty young policeman
  • A very nice, sweet, AA man
  • A hay bale fallen from a passing truck
  • Expletives (to taste)

Method

  1. Leave work.
  2. Pick up small, 3 year old child from nursery
  3. Join dual carriageway
  4. Notice, with some trepidation, that a hay bale appears to be lying in your route. Realise options, which are (according to season):-
    • swerve out into outside lane and cause major-style pile up;
    • slam brakes on and cause car behind who is tailgating to cause severe damage to car (and likely small, 3 year old child); or
    • slow down as much as humanly possible and drive over hay bale.
  5. Drive over hay bale. Laugh humourlessly to self as hay bale gets wedged under car
  6. Attempt to pull up onto side of dual carriageway (note: high kerb, hay bale…equates no fucking way, matey)
  7. 1800, almost exactly: Park car with rear end poking out onto rush hour traffic. Put on warning lights, phone AA and attempt to explain the above without sniggering at own stupidity.
  8. Sit, panicking inside whilst complete FUCKING morons hurtle towards back end of Renault Megane at supreme rate of knots DESPITE hazard lights flashing merrily away.
  9. Note that small, 3 year old child is asleep.
  10. 18:35 – note arrival of police car with some relief. Reverse so that hay bale no longer wedged under car, park up off the dual carriageway. Suppress desire to smother (rather handsome) young policeman with grateful kisses and wait for AA man.
  11. Arrival of AA man. Wait for him to confirm car is road worthy before driving home feeling extraordinarily stupid.
  12. Sprinkle expletives as desired to taste. A few fucking hells are particularly tasty at this time of year.

I kid you not.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Car-tastrophes

  1. Or should that be ‘A-ha!’?

  2. Oh god! The puns. The PUNS!

    We will get along dangerously well.

  3. GPC says:

    Oh my God! You’re driving a Dacia ! Haha cannot believe this, a Black Library writer driving a car made in my homeland
    It’s not just a Renault Megane, it’s a Dacia and it’s Romanian made šŸ˜‰
    I’m proud that you drive in style

    • Alas, the Megane is long gone. This incident occurred several years ago!

      I loved that car. I never wanted to get rid of it. Someone drove into it and destroyed it. Quite comprehensively, in fact…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s