This gentleman is not happy. At all.
Quite literally in this instance.
I have a shiny copy of Treacheries of the Space Marines to give away to someone. As ever, the prize will go to anybody who makes me laugh. I thought about a competition for a while and here you go, something topical.
The Primarch Olympics.
Which Primarch would be a gold medallist at which sport… and why?
Note: it doesn’t have to be a real sport, although I imagine Horus is a bit of a synchronised swimmer on the side.
Post your comments here! Entries close next Friday the 3rd August.
Entertain me!
Sarah Cawkwell's Blog 
Leman Russ Boxing
Lion El Jonson surely would win any Gold medal in Hide and Seek… Does that count as a sport though I wonder…
Fulgrim: Rythmic Gymnastics
“whatta ya mean, no Blastmasters? It’s rythmic! Sigh… Watch me prance with this pink ribbon then…”
Vulkan gets the Gold for Olympic level “Hide and go seek” since no one has seen him since Istevaan V.
Magnus of course, gets Gold as team captain in Quidditch.
Magnus would be a winner at Eye Spy.
I would also imagine that it would be a close run between Fulgrim and Sanguinius in Figure Skating (that’s even an Olympic discipline ! ;)). Although in the end I’d put my money on Sanguinius as his wings should give him plenty of opportunity to show off impossible jumps.
Vulkan didn’t win his badminton gold medal. Everyone thought he did, but he actually forged it…
Mortarion: Gold in the mowing competition. Manreaper FTW!
Fulgrim would win Gold at badminton, because he’s could never resist the combination of shuttles and cocks.
Jaghatai Khan would get gold in for the equestrian
Ferrus Manus for quickest disassembling and re-assembling of his boltgun. Yes Sir Emperor, of course Sir Emperor!
Its really simple I think, It`s got to be Angron for the 100m Hurdles…… “HURDLES FOR THE HURDLE GOD!!!!!!
Angron in loggersports. Nothing can beat that double chain axe maniac.
Alpharius was disqualified.
Sanguinius and Corax as contestants in the pigeon race finals…
Jaghatai Khan wins the showjumping on his prize horse Jemima.
Ferrus Manus is the undisputed champion of Extreme Ironing. Get it? Because it’s iron. And ironing. It’s a play on- oh forget it.
I’ve just realised; Magnus The Red is the official Mascot of the 2012 Olympics…
Nobody can beat Perturabo at sword-swallowing. “Iron within! Iron without!”
The jokes will only get worse. BE WARNED.
Primarch’s <REDACTED and won Gold in the doubles
DISREGARD THE ABOVE LIES, SPOKEN BY LYING, DIRTY WESTERNERS! GOLD TO THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF NORTH KOREA! ALL HAIL KIM JONG-UN! MOST BESTEST PRIMARCH IN WHOLE UNIVERSE!
Roboute Guilliman takes a gold in Air Guitar. Because sometimes people surprise you.
Alpharius and Omegon in the synchronized diving.
Please let me win. I’d really like a copy of this book.
You can win if you start being nice to me.
If that doesn’t put you off…
Could you delete my comment please…?
Easy easy easy. Alpharius would win every single team-based event from Soccer, Cycling, and Athletics (including the 4 x 100m relay) since and he is Legion.
Alpharius wins everything. Please ignore those hydra tattoos on the judges.
Actuallyy, since you brought it up, clearly Alpharius and Omegon will bring home the gold in synchronized swimming!
Rogal Dorn is the quickest sandcastlebuilder on Terra! Just don’t Perturabo join in…
There’s a “let” missing, embarassing 😦
Angron at gymnastics, wearing a tutu for extra zazzle factor!
I think the whole gaggle of them should enter the women’s beach volleyball. In swimwear. In drag. It will be one of Alpharias/Omegon’s cunning plans.
Angron – ”Gaaaaaagh! This bikini leaves little to the imagination! AIEEEEEE!”
Fulgrim – ”Is that a Butchers Nail, or are you just pleased to see me?”
Obviously Guilliman would get the Gold in literature (it really did used to be an Olympic event!) Unless, of course, that Cawkwell enters, then he’ll only get a Silver 😉
Vulcan couldn’t enter, he’d be needed for lighting the flame.
I think I’d back Russ for the wrestling, but Angron must have a chance here too!
But the real unkown is a toss-up between The Khan and The Lion in the Dressage! For very different reasons 🙂
Angron wins cross country running, because he’s very cross.
Lol…I would say Angron in a chess tournament, ever the thinker, master of patience & strategy, his mind focused and enormous fists delicately moving pieces…or simply smashing the clock & braining his opponent with the board!
Well. this explains why Khârn cherishes this hobby…
Chess boxing is the answer.
Ferrus Manus would be pretty good at boxing, but he’d have to be careful not to get disqualified for adding metal weight to his gloves.
Magus with the 100m sprint – he legged it pretty good from the Wolves 🙂
Well, Ferrus Manus at least wouldn’t have to worry anymore about receiving hits on the head after Isstvan.
Leman Russ, nobody can beat him at Kraken-wrestling.
Lorgar wins gold in the oratory competition. His beautiful words were delivered with passion…and a fiery zeal that caused the audience to rise up and start wanting to “burn the Corpse-Emperor and praise the Aurelian.” Thankfully, the squad of Arbites stationed were able to “coerce” them back to their seats through a combination of shock mauls and chips. Mostly shock mauls though.
Yes, I could see Lorgar beating all competition in every Poetry Slam 😉
Sanguinius wins the pole vault handily. Fulgrim wins for… something else to do with poles.
Pudding wrestling. We all win. (Okay, maybe not all of us…)
“Hello and welcome one and all to the 7910th Olympiad, here at the sports plains of Ullanor. We stand here as the Emperor of Mankind redirects the blazing soullight of the Astronomicon to light the flame and begin the official games.
Of course we would be remiss not to mention the Primarchs and their role in the coming festivities.
We remember of course that [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] can’t be with us to [REDACTED] the [REDACTED]. Many worlds of the Imperium will remember just how much they loved the [REDACTED].
A number of these events have been declared as NEA, that is ‘No Emperor Allowed’. This includes the Barbaric Gluttony Contest under Primarch Russ, the Punishment of Tyrants under Mortarion and the Lizard Toss attributed to Vulkan.
It should be noted that Primarch Russ will also be taking part in the Forced Planetary Urination Spectacle, alongside Primarch Curze. This will follow Konrad’s premiere showing against Angron in the Acquisition and Design Use of Skulls event.
Angron will lead the charge in the Ursa’s Claws Javelin contest, while Manus and Vulkan will endure the mighty Forgeoff. The million and two failed applicants to the Forgeoff were used to fashion the Olympic Rings in the Opening Ceremony.
A Flying Contest will take place between Primarchs Sanguinius and Corax, at the same time as Magnus, Guilliman and Lorgar duel it out in the Scrivener’s Corner, aiming to determine the Best Author of Galaxy Changing Texts.
Hopes are high for the Khan in the 10000m Dash and we have been told that Alpharius will be taking part in the gymnastics, synchronised swimming, football, handball and other team sports…By themselves.
The day will conclude with Dorn and Perturabo in the Siege Fencing event and whoever has found The Lion and determined his motivations will be awarded an honourary gold. The day proper ends with a psychedelic hallucinatory concert-orgy-extravaganza organized by Fulgrim himself- who has declared himself far too perfect and busy to compete at all.
As ever, I am Malcador the Sigilite, broadcasting to you all from the Olympic Continents here on Ullanor. Your spectators void-shields will be raising soon”
Do the Blood Angels, and Sanguinius, do well or do badly in the Jim-Nasty-cs?
THIS JUST IN!!
In a complete upset.. Angron wins the Kitten Calling contest gathering over 40,000 kittens using a simple ‘Here Kitty Kitty.. Angron loves kitty’ and mimicking a purr like we have never heard before.
Fulgrim in wrestling, we all know why. If you know what i mean
Alpharius & Omegon would compete at Synchronized Swimming, they’re so synchronized it’s like they’re twins those two.
Meanwhile and with the whole universe watching that show, the true Alpharius would steal all the gold medals, replacing them with cookies, and true Omegon would steal the Olympic flame.
Astropaths and navigators peering into the currents of the warp would later say that “The Olympic flame was extinguished and a thousand athletes cried out in terror.” Naturally, no trace was left behind by the Alpha Legion and the event organizers were blamed for the flame going out during transportation of the cauldron.
All sentient life in the universe is still puzzled to this day as to why the XX Legion’s Primarch(s) were so interested in causing such chaos in the Olympic Games and what happened to all the real gold medals….
I Can’t believe that my dear friend Demetris chose the same guys as I for champs. I am content that at least we have different sports and reasons.
Alpharius would win any and all sports that involve running. “Alpharius” starts running as the guns go off, and “Alpharius” runs through the ribbon as the first runners make the final turn. On all checks for “dope”, “Alpharius” will be found clean of all drugs, and varius witnesses will prove that “Alpharius” took no illegal essences last night, because he was with them.
And to think that I am a son of Guilliman, chearing for a hydra guy. Oh, the shame.
Guys! Thank you all, some brilliant stuff but there always has to be a winner in these things.
Marc – Malkydel – for the sheer thought and effort you put into your response tied with the fact I actually snorted tea out my nose… I declare you the winner!
Er – yeah – hit the done button too soon and edits on the iPad ain’t no fun… so drop me an email at pyroriffic at gmail dot com with address details!